


If this place is supposed to be so good, then where is Josh?

by threadofgrace



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV), The Good Place (TV)
Genre: And Bagels Taketh Away, Bagels Giveth, Everyone's insecure, F/F, Inappropriate Use of Legal Terms, learning self confidence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 10:29:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13029135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threadofgrace/pseuds/threadofgrace
Summary: Rebecca Bunch, welcome to your afterlife.





	If this place is supposed to be so good, then where is Josh?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [antivillain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/antivillain/gifts).



> 1\. *Waves* Hi there, antivillain! Based on your prompts, you seemed pretty okay with an original story idea. And then the idea for a crossover immediately popped into my head, so here we are. Hope this works for you! Happy Yuletide!
> 
> 2\. Note to other readers: This story assumes a lot of knowledge of The Good Place, so if you found your way here from the CEG fandom, you may be a bit confused. But, seriously, go watch The Good Place and then come back. It's amazing and I'll wait for you.
> 
> 3\. Thanks to hbthomas and care for beta'ing this story.

Part 1: The Welcome 

WELCOME.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.

Rebecca blinks. 

The letters are still there. 

Huh.

Not that she doesn't appreciate the validation, if she's being honest, but this is a new one for her. 

 

"Rebecca?" says a man in a reassuring bowtie. "Come on into my office."

And this is how Rebecca Bunch learns that she is dead: sitting in a office that reminds her disconcertingly of where her father worked when she was young. (He'd take her with him occasionally, mostly on those twice yearly take-your daughter-to-work days. She'd spend her days cross legged next to his desk, coloring on the backs of old memos and waiting the whole time for him to notice her.) 

Or maybe it’s just that she feels the same way she did back then, like she's just now realizing there was a test going on this whole time, with rules and wrong and right answers and the only thing she can do is sit here and wait to find out how she did, and okay she's made mistakes in her life, but hasn't everyone? She just thought she would have time to you know, even the score a little bit more before her time was up, and oh no, she had just gone out yesterday and bought herself a ficus plant-

"Don't you worry, Rebecca," says the bowtie owner, who turns out to be named Michael. "You made it to the Good Place. Honestly though, I’m not supposed to share this, but it was a bit of squeaker in your case. You came pretty close to ending up, you know…” Michael points his thumb downward significantly.

Great. So not only was everything a test, it was a test she had barely passed.

“But you made it in,” Michael continues. “Largely on the strength of your friendships, and a little bit because of your facility with contract litigation. The point is, you are officially, cosmically speaking, a good person." 

Rebecca audibly deflates her anxiety balloon. "Oh, okay. That’s good. Really, really, really. good to know. I mean, the Jews don’t even have a traditional concept of heaven, so that’s an extra relief and also, if you don't mind me asking...how did I die again? Was it heroic? Did I, I dunno, save an old lady from a mugger? Rescue a cat from a tree and then have the branch break underneath me? That was it, I bet. Oh man, was the cat okay? I hope the cat was okay."

“No, no, no nothing like that,” Michael says reassuringly. Then he looks at her sternly. “I have to say though, it’s a bit of a wonder you didn’t end up here any earlier, because you, Rebecca Bunch, have been up to some really crazy stuff.”

"Crazy's a loaded term," Rebecca says automatically under her breath, but Michael doesn't seem to hear her.

"Sleeping with a stranger you met on the internet? I'll have you know that individual had both a penis and a gun in his pants and you're awfully lucky you grabbed the right one."

Rebecca blanches.

"And then the UTI? Don't get me started on that. You know better than to leave a UTI untreated. At least I would have thought you did.”

I’m in heaven and it’s like my mother has somehow found a way to follow me here, Rebecca thinks to herself. 

“But you were lucky though. You made it through all of those terribly bad decisions. It was a bad bagel that actually did you in, in the end. Shot chock full of toxic mold. You might have still survived that, had you not eaten 8 of them. In one sitting. At 2 in the morning. I suppose it was too dark to see clearly.”

Rebecca refuses to feel ashamed. 

“Well,” says Michael brightly. “That’s actually everything I had prepared for our initial chat. Now, I can take you on a tour of the town, provided you’re ready for that?”

She was born ready. (Died ready?)

 

  
Part 2: The Soulmate

It's a whirlwind of an afternoon, what with guided tours and orientation sessions and everything else that needs to happen before you can properly settle into your afterlife. 

Soon enough, Michael brings her to her new home.

It turns out that Rebecca is going to spend eternity in a palace. A real, actual palace with fountains and, like, a grand foyer.  
She’s busy gaping when a woman walks in, which probably doesn’t make the greatest first impression.

“Rebecca Bunch,” Michael says grandly, “meet Tahani Al-Jamil, your soulmate. Tahani was a dedicated philanthropist who raised millions for charity. Hundreds of children in East Africa are alive today because of what she raised. Not to mention her efforts to raise the profile of London’s art scene. She’d actually be single handedly responsible for raising Britain’s average level of taste, only a program called Celebrity Sex Island brought it right back down again, so the net effect was null. Rebecca here did real estate law in inland California and was mostly pretty nice to her friends.”

“Wow,” Rebecca says, as she processes all this new information, "Just wow," because it's worth saying again. Tahani is gorgeous. And she goes up and up and up some more. "I had no idea I was going to get a soulmate. Was that covered at orientation? Because it’s been a lot to process and I got pretty distracted counting up all the froyo shops. And you are! Have I said wow? I think, you know what, just hang on for one teensy scootch — ”

She grabs Michael by the arm, flashing the other woman a quick apologetic grin as she steers him behind a convenient column.

Michael seems perplexed. "What's wrong, Rebecca? Is it the lack of a fountain in the foyer? Because I was really pushing for one. I thought the effect would really pull the room together.”

Rebecca cuts him off with her best professional smile. “No, no, Michael, the foyer is great. It’s the foyer I’ve always dreamed about since I was a little girl. Which, so weird that you know that. Or not, because Duh, Heaven. Anyway. It’s just, my soulmate. Is there some fraction of a possibility that there’s been some kind of mistake in that department? Because she is lovely, and I'm sure in possession of a fine intelligence and a good soul to boot, but my soulmate is a man named Josh Chan, who lives in West Covina, California. And he’s not dead yet, at least I certainly hope not, but I’ll be more than happy to wait for him until he is.”

Michael’s brow wrinkles. “Hmm… Josh Chan. Are you sure about that?”

“Yup. 100% positive.”

“Janet?” Michael calls out confusingly. A woman in a super cute blouse and vest combo materializes out of thin air, making Rebecca take a startled step back. 

“Hi, I’m Janet,” chirps the woman. 

“Janet, Rebecca here says that someone named Josh Chan, living in…”

“West Covina,” Rebecca supplies.

“Living in West Covina, is her true soulmate.”

“No,” says Janet. “He is not.”

“Are you sure about that?” Michael checks.

“Positive.” 

“Great, thank you Janet.” 

And with that, Janet disappears again. 

“You see?” Michael turns back to Rebecca. “Janet is an information repository who knows everything there is to know in the Universe. And she says that Josh Chan is not your soulmate. Plus, we have never in the history of The Good Place seen a mistake with our soulmate matching process. So Tahani is definitely your soulmate. Enjoy getting to know each other.”

Michael smiles extra bright and walks out the front door, before Rebecca has a chance to say another word.

Rebecca watches him go, then she turns and walks back to Tahani, as casually as she can.

 

  
Back inside the mansion, the two women eye each other awkwardly.

"Well," Rebecca finally says, as she searches for a noun and then maybe a verb she can string together into something approaching marginal coherence. She finally settles for trilling, "Here we are!" in as grand a tone as possible.

"Quite," Tahani agrees with thinned lips, which is honestly a little insulting, but Rebecca's willing to let that pass for the moment.  


"I mean," Rebecca clarifies, "I've never really considered doing anything with a woman. You seem really great though? Like a really committed philanthropist. Also, not to mention, gorgeous. Not that physical beauty is the standard I use for judging women.”

"I never cared much for the idea of a female romantic liaison myself," Tahani says thoughtfully. "On the very few times in which I did consider it, I had always imagined myself with someone thinner and more elegant. Perhaps Kate Moss."

"Hey,” Rebecca says indignantly.

"In fact, there was a party once, many years ago, where I was absolutely positive that Kate was hitting on me. I told her the story just recently, and she claims she has no memory of the evening. But we all know that Kate Moss is such an incorrigible liar, don't we, especially after that Milan incident?"

"Wait...back up. You know Kate Moss?"

"Certainly, Kate is a dear friend of my sister’s.”

"Tell me everything. What does she smell like?"

“But...I thought you wanted to sort out this soulmate situation.”

"Oh, that can wait, I mean we're here forever, right? I want to know what Kate Moss lies about. And tell me everything about Milan.”

“Oh Milan. Well, I was quite young of course, so young that I could practically count the number of Fashion Weeks I had attended on one hand…”

All and all, the afternoon doesn’t go too too badly. Tahani tells Rebecca some really good gossip about a bunch of different celebrities and Rebecca helps Tahani party plan for a welcome party that they’ll apparently be hosting this evening for the entire neighborhood. It’s all totally weird, but Rebecca is starting to wonder if maybe she can actually make this thing work. At least until Josh gets here. 

 

Part 3: The Lawyer

They get to meet their neighbors, Eleanor and Chidi. Eleanor is apparently some kind of badass human rights lawyer and in the face of that, Rebecca feels pretty self conscious about her real estate background. She starts throwing out some complicated legal jargon Eleanor’s way, just to establish her bonafides. But all Eleanor does is color slightly and explain that they were on their way to check out one of the frozen yogurt places in town. 

Chidi invites Tahani and Rebecca to join them, despite the dirty look Eleanor throws him, and that's how the four of them end up sitting in the center of town eating froyo together.

There are a couple of Buddhist monks hanging around, Rebecca notices them mainly because one of them happens to have ridiculously insane cheekbones. (Okay, she may have a soulmate and also Josh coming eventually, but she's not DEAD. Wait, scratch that. But you know.) She makes eye contact with Cheekbones and he just stares back in this silent, soulful way that makes Rebecca go all shivery before turning away. 

Rebecca uses the opportunity to press Eleanor a little bit more on her law career, but Eleanor just changes the subject again. She’s clearly uncomfortable talking about it for some reason, and Rebecca tries very hard not to take it personally. She’s starting to get the sense that Eleanor doesn’t like her very much.

 

 

The party is excellent, of course. Rebecca’s barely known Tahani for a day, but it’s clear that her hosting skills are second to none. Tahani mingles effortlessly, and Rebecca feels strangely pleased to be keeping up appearances at her side. 

Okay, maybe it’s a little much. They chat with a man who lost his life saving a golden retriever puppy from a shark attack. Then there is a girl who taught astronomy to disadvantaged blind children and the couple who, in a tragic misunderstanding, each donated their internal organs to save the other one’s life. In the face of all that, there’s maybe just a little bit of imposter syndrome starting to creep in. Maybe more than a little. But she made it right? She’s here, along with all the rest of them, so she just needs to chill out.

Tahani somehow gets into an involved conversation about the finer points of audience etiquette at a Marina Abramovic show. Rebecca seizes the moment to excuse herself and heads over to the open bar. 

She’s on her third glass of rosé and her second vodka shot when Eleanor joins her. “You don’t like me very much,” she tells Eleanor straight off the bat, because why not get it out there? 

Eleanor gives her a big, deeply fake smile. “Of course I do. “

“I get it,” Rebecca nods sagely, “it’s like a lawyer, turf fight kind of thing. You’re like, my heavenly version of Audra Levine.” 

“Uh huh. Sure. Looks like you maybe need to slow down on the refills there, bud. And coming from me, that’s really saying something.”

“Listen,” says Rebecca, “ I may not have saved lives, or released people from prison or whatever, but I was really, really good at commercial contract litigation. And that helped a lot of people. Or corporations at least.”

“I’m sure it did. And you know what, I don’t really care about commercial contract...whatever you just said.”

“Commercial contract litigation.” corrects Rebecca, blinking up at her. “Commercial contract litigation. That’s pretty basic stuff. Why don’t you know that?”

In response, Eleanor suddenly grabs her by the elbow, and drags her roughly through the crowds and out onto the front lawn. 

“Okay,” Eleanor says, once they’re outside. “Okay, I’m not sure why I’m telling you this, only I really want to tell someone besides Chidi because he can’t stop freaking out and chances are you probably won’t remember in the morning anyway, so this seems safe. But here’s the truth. I’m not a human rights lawyer, I’m just a sales rep from Arizona. I think there was some sort of mistake, and I think I’m not really supposed to be here.”

“You’re not a lawyer?” asks Rebecca.

 

 

Apparently you can still blackout in the afterlife, because Rebecca is not too clear on a lot of the details from the rest of the evening. For example, she can’t quite remember how they end up staging an Ocean’s Eleven style heist of the cocktail shrimp. She does remember coming back out onto the lawn with Eleanor, and consuming their bounty.

“I can’t stop thinking,” Rebecca tells Eleanor, “if you're a mistake, who is to say that I'm not a mistake, too? I mean, I was a real estate lawyer. And I flew halfway across the country to stalk my ex-boyfriend and break him up with his fiancee who was, by the way, his high school sweetheart. That is definitely not Good Place behavior.” 

“Wow.” Eleanor cuts her off. “As a sidebar, I'm definitely going to need the whole story on that ex-boyfriend breaking up the engagement thing, because that sounds forking juicy. But more to the point, there is literally nothing to suggest you’re a mistake, too. But...if you’re really that concerned about it, Chidi’s giving me classes. You can come, if you still remember any of this in the morning.”

 

Rebecca doesn’t go to class immediately. There’s a flying shrimp situation the next morning, and it kind of becomes a whole thing for awhile. Tahani also has a lot of questions about where Rebecca went to during the second half of the party, and Rebecca doesn’t actually have very clear answers to give. 

Eventually though, she does tentatively knock on the door to Chidi and Eleanor’s home, which turns out to be cozy and minimalist, with a bewildering collection of clown artwork. 

Rebecca kind of relishes the chance to be back in class, so she starts spending more and more time with Chidi and Eleanor. She and Chidi are quick to bond after an intense debate on Foucaudian subjectivity. Her friendship with Eleanor is more tentative, but strangely relaxing in its own way, and completely devoid of all expectations. 

 

Part 4: The Fight 

The only sore spot is her soulmate. It isn’t like she has romantic feelings or anything for Tahani, she’s still totally carrying a torch for Josh’s eventual arrival. But Tahani is gorgeous and accomplished and it really kind of sucks that it feels like they are just two strangers sharing a living space together. 

At least it’s clear that they are both feeling the strain.

There's one day when Tahani attempts to teach her to play croquet one day, but Rebecca keeps spiking balls in weird directions because she can't stop thinking about all the other times in her life Tahani must have played croquet, and how many of those times were with members of One Direction and, and… Well, Tahani ends the day with a bruise on her temple, and they don’t try again. 

Then, a few days later Rebecca pulls out her default female bonding strategy and tries to get Tahani to open up about past relationships, so they can maybe connect about guy stuff. However, all that ends up doing is drawing their attention towards the soulmate shaped elephant in the room, and things get extra weird between them for a while.

Conversations over meals grow increasingly stilted between the two of them. Tahani tries to initiate discussions about fine art and philosophy, but Rebecca is suddenly finding it hard to formulate coherent responses. Which is weird, come to think of it, because she has no problem nerding out with Chidi and Eleanor. Tahani brings up Prince Harry's love life one evening, and Rebecca can't even bring herself to contribute much then, which is really saying something. 

It's just that, ever since the party, being around Tahani has felt remarkably like being poised on the edge of something terrible. Like, the second she lets her guard down and Tahani learns about her less than spotless ethical record...well, Rebecca is not sure what would happen, but she knows it would be bad. And she can see how hard Tahani is trying, she's not blind. Eventually, Tahani will figure out that Rebecca isn't worth the effort. 

The situation comes to a head one day when Tahani discovers a marked up copy of Jung, hidden under Rebecca's pillow like a porn magazine.

It turns out that Tahani’s been jealous.

“You’re what?” says Rebecca, shocked.

“I’m your soulmate, and yet you spend practically all of your time with Eleanor and Chidi and never invite me. “

“Tahani. I never meant to — ”

"I know I wasn’t your initial choice in soulmate, but if you could just pretend, even for a minute that it wasn’t a chore to spend time with me.”

“Okay, sure I was a little disappointed at first, but — ”

“Disappointed?" Tahani asks, voice rising from hurt into anger. “You’re disappointed?! I certainly never envisioned myself with someone so, so....short." She spits 'short' like it's the worst curse word she can think of.

“What, no, that wasn’t what I meant! But yeah! You know what," Rebecca says dangerously, as she steps forward into Tahani's personal space. "I am short. I've been short my entire life. But I'm still way more woman than you know how to handle."

There's a brief moment of silence before Tahani arches an eyebrow, impressed despite herself. "Wow."

"I know, right?" says Rebecca, lips fighting back a grin. "That just kind of came out of me.” Then her face sobers. “But here is the thing, Tahani. You frighten me. You are, I mean, look at you. And that accent. It’s like, no wonder you ended up in The Good Place. But me, I’m still not completely convinced I’m supposed to be here. I wake up every day wondering if I’m some sort of clerical error, because I have it on good authority that those do happen here. And I just don’t know what to do with any of this.”

There's a moment in which neither of them quite know how to continue.

“Well,” Tahani finally says, looking away. “Neither of us may be what the other had imagined in a soulmate.'

Rebecca feels stricken, and just a little bit wistful. "Yeah. I suppose," she murmurs, mostly to herself, before turning and running out the door.

 

Outside, Rebecca runs straight into Janet. Literally. One minute there is just empty lawn and Rebecca barreling through, and then Janet is right in front of her, causing her to trip and fall backwards on her ass. 

"God," Rebecca says, "aren't you like, a being of infinite intelligence? Have some spatial awareness.”

Janet blinks, which Rebecca finds oddly infuriating.

"While it is true that I am a being of boundless intelligence, owing to the fact that I live primarily in a void, spatial awareness is not really my thing."

"Oh," Rebecca states, emotional momentum momentarily forgotten. 

"Well. As long as you’re here, can I ask you something?"

"People asking me something is my main function."

"I'm worried that I don't actually deserve to be here. I mean, I know I definitely don't deserve a soulmate like Tahani. She's...well, she's way out of my league."

Janet cocks her head. “I don’t really understand. Was there a question there?”

Rebecca sighs. “No, not really.” Then a thought occurs to her. “Janet, do you think you could get me a bagel? A really good, New York-style bagel, toasted with cream cheese?”  


“A bagel.”

“It’s like, comfort food among my people. We eat them when things are not quite going the way we planned, and we have some serious thinking to do. 

“Here you go.” Janet hands her a little grease-stained paper bag.

“Maybe the best thing to do would be for me to come clean to Michael,” Rebecca muses as she chews. “Even if I do end up in The Bad Place, at least then I’ll know for certain where I belong.”

“Fun Fact? Michael is right behind you. He just walked up and has heard everything you said.” 

Rebecca turns around in time to see Michael smile sheepishly.

 

Part 5: The Reveal

 

The problem with Rebecca accidentally coming clean to Michael is that Tahani, Eleanor and Chidi all get dragged in as well. 

And now, because of her, there is a train coming to take two of them to The Bad Place, and it’s up to the four of them to figure out who will be going. 

Chidi offers himself almost immediately. He’s got some kind of complicated justification for this, based on something he read in Kant, but nobody really has the patience to listen to it just then. 

Eleanor surprises them all by offering to go as well, since everyone now knows she’s definitely the real mistake in the group. (The romantic in Rebecca also can’t help but consider this a touching declaration to Chidi. Not that she would ever tell Eleanor that.) 

But this is her fault, so she can’t let them do that. She’s not that much of a bad person, at least. She volunteers herself to go, and that’s when Tahani volunteers as well, which is...Rebecca can’t afford to parse what that means just then.

Then Eleanor calls the whole situation totally crazy and withdraws her original offer, which promptly makes Tahani and Chidi change their minds as well.

Things continue like this for awhile.

Rebecca looks at Tahani and thinks, hard. Tahani’s face appears composed, but Rebecca thinks she’s finally learned to recognize the vulnerability underneath. And she's just so tired of second guessing everything. Because look where it's brought her.

At last, at long last, a light switch clicks on Rebecca's brain.

“Guys, guys,” she says stepping forward. “Listen. None of us are going to The Bad Place. Michael can't actually take us there.”

“Because...”

Behind her, Michael has suddenly gone very still, but Rebecca is currently too caught up in her Law and Order end of the episode moment to notice.

"Because The Bad Place has been inside of us all along.”

Michael visibly relaxes.

“Don't you see, The Good Place and the Bad Place aren't real, they’re like...self actualization metaphors. We all contain multitudes. We can torture ourselves or we can all be our own better angels.”

“Everyone of us has a Good Place and a Bad Place inside of them, and it’s up to each of us to decide which one we want to live in.”

"And you know, what? I have lived my entire life so terrified that I wasn't good enough to deserve The Good Place. I pretty much lived in The Bad Place and I spent all my time torturing myself with self doubt. But the truth is, I don’t actually need anyone else to tell me I deserve to be in The Good Place. It’s enough that I think I deserve to be here. We all deserve our own Good Place. We just have to build it for ourselves. It’s a brand new Rebecca Bunch here, and I'm taking charge of my own happiness. Tahani? Let's go! We have some bonding to do!”

And with that, Rebecca spins on her heel and walks out. After a moment, Tahani follows her, a smile dangerously close to breaking free across her face.

Michael just stares after her, at something of a loss for words. “Well. I certainly have some thinking to do,” he mutters.  


"Bagel?" Janet offers peaceably as she hands Michael the reset button.


End file.
